This is the worst feeling. I'm currently writing this mere moments after receiving the text message that SO many of us have received. We went on a few dates, had sex, and I was allowing myself to get excited about this person. Well...
"Hey so I've also been hanging with someone else and it's hit the point where we talked about not seeing other ppl. I'm sorry if you feel led on or something, and I know it doesn't mean anything but I really liked hanging out and talking to you. So I'm sorry."
It of course varies from person to person, but the gist is the same. I've been hearing some version of this my entire dating life, and it never gets easier to stomach. In fact, I could make a strong argument as to the stomaching getting more and more difficult over time. The range of emotions is currently in full-swing.
1. Your soul drops to your pelvis and your cheeks warm and you sort of want to cry. You reread it three times and feel that familiar helpless let-down.
2. You actually do cry as all the insecurity and disappointment compile. You feel stupid for wanting him. Stupid for caring. You get embarrassed because you talked to all your girlfriends about how great you felt and how awesome the dates were. You want to crawl under anything and hide.
3. You stop crying because you are an adult woman and you are at work.
4. You revisit the last few weeks in your mind and conclude that his actions support his conclusion, and it still sucks.
5. A brief commercial break for appropriate amounts of self-loathing/defeatist rantings/mutterings that can include but are not limited to:
"All men suck!"
"All men are pigs!!"
"I hate men!"
6. Realize this is not true, that he was not awful to you, he was simply... dating. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
How many times has a guy sprang from your bed in a light jog out the door, never to be heard from again? How many men have promised you the moon and stars, but refused to text back? How many times has gotten whatever he could from you and magically forgot to mention the girlfriend/wife waiting for him?
The men who just don't want to date you are not pigs and should not be hated. It's hard out there, we know that. You never know how many frogs you're going to have to kiss to find a prince or princess, but you put yourself out there and you try. You make connections with people, you follow-up, you sleep with them, you see if they're worth exploring further. Yes, we all differ in how we hunt, but we're all out here hunting.
As for me in this... I don't know if I've ever been the girl on the other side of this scenario. The one that get's chosen versus the one that gets the boot. But I imagine for her, she's feeling pretty awesome right now. She found someone in the great wide-world of fish that she wants to forgo other fish for, and he feels the same about her. Isn't that what all of us boot-getters want?
This guy was nice to me. He made me feel wanted, and desired, and I had a good time with him. He ended things politely, and honestly, in a decent and upfront manner, so I can't hate him for it.
For the record, this was my response:
"you don't have to be sorry, that's part of the game. you're a decent person, i enjoyed hanging out with you too, hope it all works out for you."
Of course I wanted to ask a million accusatory questions, call him a piece-of-shit, and ruin his day... but what would be the point? This wasn't my fish. This was some other girls fish, and mine is still out there.. maybe dating other people until he meets me and decides I'm his fish.
In the meantime, being upset at rejection is perfectly fine, and totally normal. Don't justify it away, or guilt or shame yourself for the things you had in your head about this potential blossoming relationship. Those goals aren't gone, just the person. There will be another person, and you will be more honed in on what you want, and what you don't.
In the meantime, this is what red wine is for.
"Hey so I've also been hanging with someone else and it's hit the point where we talked about not seeing other ppl. I'm sorry if you feel led on or something, and I know it doesn't mean anything but I really liked hanging out and talking to you. So I'm sorry."
It of course varies from person to person, but the gist is the same. I've been hearing some version of this my entire dating life, and it never gets easier to stomach. In fact, I could make a strong argument as to the stomaching getting more and more difficult over time. The range of emotions is currently in full-swing.
1. Your soul drops to your pelvis and your cheeks warm and you sort of want to cry. You reread it three times and feel that familiar helpless let-down.
2. You actually do cry as all the insecurity and disappointment compile. You feel stupid for wanting him. Stupid for caring. You get embarrassed because you talked to all your girlfriends about how great you felt and how awesome the dates were. You want to crawl under anything and hide.
3. You stop crying because you are an adult woman and you are at work.
4. You revisit the last few weeks in your mind and conclude that his actions support his conclusion, and it still sucks.
5. A brief commercial break for appropriate amounts of self-loathing/defeatist rantings/mutterings that can include but are not limited to:
"All men suck!"
"All men are pigs!!"
"I hate men!"
6. Realize this is not true, that he was not awful to you, he was simply... dating. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
How many times has a guy sprang from your bed in a light jog out the door, never to be heard from again? How many men have promised you the moon and stars, but refused to text back? How many times has gotten whatever he could from you and magically forgot to mention the girlfriend/wife waiting for him?
The men who just don't want to date you are not pigs and should not be hated. It's hard out there, we know that. You never know how many frogs you're going to have to kiss to find a prince or princess, but you put yourself out there and you try. You make connections with people, you follow-up, you sleep with them, you see if they're worth exploring further. Yes, we all differ in how we hunt, but we're all out here hunting.
As for me in this... I don't know if I've ever been the girl on the other side of this scenario. The one that get's chosen versus the one that gets the boot. But I imagine for her, she's feeling pretty awesome right now. She found someone in the great wide-world of fish that she wants to forgo other fish for, and he feels the same about her. Isn't that what all of us boot-getters want?
This guy was nice to me. He made me feel wanted, and desired, and I had a good time with him. He ended things politely, and honestly, in a decent and upfront manner, so I can't hate him for it.
For the record, this was my response:
"you don't have to be sorry, that's part of the game. you're a decent person, i enjoyed hanging out with you too, hope it all works out for you."
Of course I wanted to ask a million accusatory questions, call him a piece-of-shit, and ruin his day... but what would be the point? This wasn't my fish. This was some other girls fish, and mine is still out there.. maybe dating other people until he meets me and decides I'm his fish.
In the meantime, being upset at rejection is perfectly fine, and totally normal. Don't justify it away, or guilt or shame yourself for the things you had in your head about this potential blossoming relationship. Those goals aren't gone, just the person. There will be another person, and you will be more honed in on what you want, and what you don't.
In the meantime, this is what red wine is for.
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